ORDER ONLY: Private Message to Terry

[alt_frank]

hey, kiddo.

you doing okay?

you know you can come up on days other than sunday, yeah? whenever you want.

I've got time to spare after my training session at Sherwood tomorrow, too, if you want some company.

Comments

[alt_terry]

I'm sorry I didn't answer this right away. I've been spending a lot of time as the Professor.

Had some things to think about.

I'm doing okay. I guess? It's hard to tell. It's like I was all mixed up inside and I wanted advice in the worst way from, um, my mum. Or my dad. Which is mad, because I don't even remember them. So that took me by surprise.

Since I couldn't do that I just stayed in the Professor form. Thinking.

[alt_frank]

figured you were professoring. Colin said you were making yourself scarce when he stopped by sherwood.

nothing wrong with missing your mum and dad. I don't think that ever goes away. my dad died when I was in school. I still miss him.

and believe me, there's kids at moddey who haven't seen their parents face to face since they were babes in arms, doesn't mean they don't feel homesick from time to time. I can see how it'd be hard if you've got a powerful feeling of missing someone, only you don't have anything to remember them by.

I know it's not the same, but you can always ask me anything. questions are okay, remember?

[alt_terry]

I'd talked a bit about it with Colin, then things changed, with everything that's happened.

See. Well. It's sort of--I guess it wouldn't be much of a surprise to you how I felt about Hermione. How I feel. How I felt.

Oh, bugger. This is so embarr That's part of the reason I went back to Hogwarts, because I had hopes, you see. That if we saw each other again...but I never did anything about it. Not really. I always thought I was too, I dunno, shy or inept or something.

But I finally figured something out at Hogwarts: there was another reason, too. Nothing ever happened because I was waiting for some kind of sign from her.

I think I finally realised that I could wait a lifetime, but it wouldn't matter. She doesn't see me that way, or she doesn't feel that way. Or maybe there is too much history, or she saw me as boot for too long or--it doesn't really matter why.

I never said anything because I wanted it to be her choice. Mudbloods never get to choose anything, but since she was more than a mudblood, I wanted her to have the chance to choose me. If she wanted to.

But she doesn't.

And--this is hard to say. I wanted to kill Teddy Nott for her. But Draco Malfoy did it instead. So I was really mixed up about that, both relieved and hacked off that I didn't do it myself. Which made me feel like Carrow's breathing down my neck all over again.

I went to 12 Grimmauld Place to--just to see, to show myself, that she got away, that she was safe.

But it was painful, because she didn't want to see me. I don't mean that I think she's going to fall for Malfoy, like it's destiny, all because he killed that piece of slime Teddy Nott. Besides, what Bellatrix Lestrange did to them messed them both up anyway.

The point is: whether she chooses to be with Malfoy or Marvolo or whoever, even someone else she hasn't even met yet, or even to stay just by herself, it's just not me. It's never going to be me.

So I came away. And I started to realise I'm not a mudblood, either. I need to start making my own choices now. Not waiting on her anymore

I keep having to learn that over and over again.

So I've been mulling over my options and...I think I want to volunteer for one of the Zulu companies. I'd be a good candidate. I've been learning everything I can from you about Defence. I'm a dog Animagus, so I have a really good nose, and I can squeeze into tight spaces. AND I have a wand. That makes me versatile, I think, ideal as a scout, a spy. At least I hope it does.

What do you think?

(Is it wrong that I wanted to kill Teddy?)

[alt_frank]

no.

no, it isn't wrong.

we don't have a lot of options when it comes to dealing with people like teddy nott. hell, they're the sort of people who are in charge.

that's what prison and courts and law enforcement are supposed to do. but we don't have those tools. we just have us. so we do what we can.

and it's hard.

it's more than hard. sometimes it's impossible to do the right thing, or know for sure that you're making the right call.

in the best case, we take people like otto strangeweale and keep them in a place where they can't hurt anyone. but we can't always afford to do that, and sometimes it isn't as clean cut as all that either.

al sat up nights about teddy nott. she told snape and draco both that if there was an emergency, or if they found evidence he was getting to the point of putting our people in harm's way, they had to take him out.

believe me, kiddo, you aren't the only one who wanted him gone.

[alt_frank]

and I think you're right. it's one thing to love someone, it's another to have them love you back.

it's complicated. no mistake. and it doesn't always work out the way you want, and when it doesn't, it can hurt like hell. but it's not something you can make happen, and it's not your fault.

I think you'd be a good asset for the crazy bastards. you're right. you've got a fair bit of skills, and it'd be one way to put them to use. it's a riskier line of work, though. so do me a favour, make sure you take good care of yourself, right? and make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

[alt_terry]

That's why I've been 'professoring' as you put it. I wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons. Not because I want to do something heroic to win her. Not because I'm some daft bloke intent on throwing his life away because a girl doesn't want him.

Besides the fact that would be stupid, it wouldn't be fair to the rest of the Zulu company. They're really tight units; they depend on each other for their lives. They might not let me in anyway, because the competition is fierce. But I think being an Animagus does give me an edge. As far as I know, I'm the only one in the Sherwood Band.

Anyway. That's why I've been thinking of my parents. I wanted to talk to my mum about heartbr girls. And to my dad to talk over my own reasons for doing this.

I'm glad you wrote. I did need to talk to someone, and it did help.

[alt_frank]

good to hear.

all round.

you've got a point about having an edge, and it helps that they're serious about safety protocol. davidson runs a tight ship, and he'd rather have his people safe and cautious than get captured.

just remember, no matter what, you've got a home to come back to, and people who love you.

if you do get in, I know you might not be able to make every sunday, but you come when you can, all right?

[alt_terry]

I'll come every chance I can get, if the Zulus accept me. They come in from the cold for debriefings regularly, and there's some down time, so it's not like I'd always be in the field. It's always so good to come back to Moddey. It is my home, and it always will be. The first one I ever had that I can remember, where I really felt safe.

I was wondering...you might think this is a bit barmy, but--

Would you mind if I called you 'Mr C'? Only when we're alone, of course. And if I could call Mrs Longbottom 'Mrs C'? Neville explained about the names you use within the family for each other. And I just wondered, well....

Would you mind if I used them, too? Just once in a while, private-like, when we talk like this?

You can say 'no,' of course.

[alt_frank]

that's how I signed all my letters to him. back when that was all we had.

couldn't use my own name, and even 'dad' was too much of a risk.

way I see it, the cratchits had an enormous family. not a lot of money, but lots of kids. lots of love. always room for one more.

always.

it'd be an honour, terry.

[alt_terry]

Please...don't mention it, the way I felt, I mean, to Hermione, all right? I wouldn't want her to be embarrassed.

I just want her to think of me as a friend, a good one, but now I'm moving on. That I'll be all right.

And I will be.

[alt_frank]

secret's safe with me, kid.

[alt_terry]

Thanks. Mr C.